Free Dumb Fighters

So it's almost "Independence Day", the day our nation takes off to reflect on the sacrifices made by poor farmers and indentured servants to take arms against tyranny and deliver our fledgling nation from beneath the rule of the well moneyed land owners of England and into the benevolent arms of the well moneyed land owners of Colonial America. Now instead of paying taxes to some king we never see, we pay them to some other frilly poof who lives on top of one of those hills we're not allowed upon. Awesome. So worth it. Too bad no one ever told the farmers and indentured slaves that if they got down with all those black folks they worked next to in the fields they could run up on city hall with hammers and scythes and really cause some fracas. Oh well, I guess there's always the Reptoid invasion to look forward to, Will Smith saved us once, I'm sure he can do it again...he's pretty good with sequels, have you ever seen Bad Boys II? Fucking awesome. Anyways, my Dad bought three cases of fireworks from Pedro's this year and about ten cases of beer, so if you could look the other way and not arrest him, I'll try to make sure he keeps his shirt on and this whole thing doesn't end up looking like a bad episode of "COPS".

Thanks in Advance,
Your Pal,
Jack

Bubble blowers

Dear Fed,

Why is it that people make such a big deal about the presidential elections? I mean, it's no secret that here in The United States we have an electoral system that decides who our chief executive is, every kid learns that in school...so why do people insist on getting worked up about voting? It wouldn't matter if everyone and their grandmama voted for B.Rock O-Bam, if the Electoral College calls McCain, then that's the way it goes. A citizens vote for president is an entirely symbolic gesture and has no impact whatsoever on the actual outcome! It's like when I was a kid, I had this toy lawnmower that made an awesome popping sound and blew bubbles when you pushed it. It sure as fuck didn't even dent a single blade of grass but I would still follow my dad around as he mowed the lawn and almost had a steak induced coronary in the mid-august sun. I know I wasn't really making a difference but sometimes pretending to get the job done can be just as fun and satisfying as actually doing it, especially when you have a soft spot on the top of your skull and you still poop your pants once a day. Anyways, way to keep these rubes preoccupied as you secretly make deals with the Reptoids from Zeta Reticuli. Just do me a favor, if you're planning on selling me into intergalactic slavery, please negotiate that I get used primarily for breeding purposes. That would kick serious ass.

Thanks in Advance
Your Pal,
Jack

More for everyone

Dear Fed,

In times past our respective leaders were awash with the material symbology of their power, virility, and attractiveness. Men like Ghengis Khan had great seas of poonanie in which to indulge themselves and forget the hard realities of conquering all of the ancient world. Today we restrict our Commander and Chief to one withered consort, and crucify the guy when he wants to dip out for little side action. This is ridiculous for a number of reasons, you can't expect a leader to be able to posses the utmost mental clarity with all that baby batter on the brain, nor can you expect his loving partner to be available to blow off his steam after she has sat through eleven hours of dignitaries, B level diplomats, and other bureaucratic pleasantries that are the first person's burden. Thus I suggest we cut the crap and give our President a harem of his very own. Fill it with women, men, sheep whatever, no judgments as long as he is happy, in turn the first lady would get courtesans of her choosing to pummel her sideways, listen to her gab, or whatever it is that women are into. Of course, the same logic applies once we finally get a female President. These people are under a lot of stress, I believe the phrase " the fate of the Free World" is thrown around a lot. I wouldn't mind if they did a " J " every now and again to further take the edge off, you know? We could get some groovy oriental rugs in the oval office, maybe put that new Beck album on the hi-fi...fuck why don't we just get some go-go dancers on the pole and some karate experts to fight to the death on the front lawn? The more the Whitehouse looks like Han's Fortress from "Enter the Dragon" the better. Anyways, if we have a lot of professional fuck-freaks around, it will free up the interns to collate those copies like they're supposed to.

Thanks in advance
Your Pal,
Jack

Repair nations

Dear Fed,

You should probably apologize to Black people for institutionalizing slavery all those years ago. People don't forget shit like that. Like remember that time my brother recorded me when I was in the bathroom and I didn't have any toilet paper and I was crying for my mom to bring me some? Remember how he played it over the loud speaker at school during morning announcements? Yeah fuck him, I'm still going to smother his first born for that. You see? People don't let things go, not a youthful practical joke, not an awkward personal moment of need and vulnerability, and certainly not 400 years of being worked to death in the mosquito ridden south. So just say something like,
" Hey guys, I'm sorry my great great great grandfather enslaved your great great great grandfather...that was a dick move. Do you wanna come over my house and ride bikes?" Even if the African American Community doesn't want to ride bikes, they will probably come over to play Sega and it will definitely make them feel better about the whole situation. If your Mom makes some of those awesome Rice Krispie treats, you guys will totally be best friends forever.

Thanks in advance
your pal,
Jack

I likes what I see

Dear Fed,

It's about time you stopped being so prudish about the immigrant penetration into your wide open love lands. Have you SEEN the Mexican teenage goth punk girls walking around? C'mon man, they have tight jeans, big lips, and fat asses; they listen to The Smith's on their ipod's while SKATEBOARDING down the street! Have you seen their hair??? They look like they showed an American Apparel ad to their fat Mexican mothers and said " Si, I would like my luscious jet black silken locks to look like this mi madre, and don't forget about the bangs, es muy importante'." When they travel in PACKS down the street, it's like being a morbidly obese man at the all you can eat buffet, your shriveled little blood choked heart just flutters in anticipation! Even women and gay men are behind me on this, cuz the Mexican teenage goth punk boys look twice as good as the Mexican teenage goth punk girls! So let them in, let them all in. Don't be frigid and wreck this for us, we've finally found a reason to believe.

Thanks in advance
Your Pal,
Jack

Trickle it down, Bro!

Dear Fed,

Am I not mistaken in the understanding that we, the People of the United States, have, for the past seven years, been involved in a resource grabbing campaign of global aggression and exploitation ironically called " The War on Terror"?
Right, I thought so.
Why then am I, the tax evading patriotic citizen of the Imperial Dominion of the United Colors of Megatron (a.k.a. US) NOT reaping the rewards of my socially arrested,war mongering, blood lust? I enthusiastically exchanged my inalienable civil rights for the assurance that I would see a price break at the pump! Now I know you slimy bastards are taking secret orgy baths in giant vats of stolen Iraqi petroleum, so rip your lubed up fist out of Haliburton's pulsating ecstatic anus, and throw the dogs of war a bone! I mean this luxury SUV doesn't fill itself up, you know?

Thanks in advance
your pal,
Jack

Stimulate this!

Dear Fed,

I get it, it's a funny joke, but c'mon guys enough is enough. So go ahead and reformulate the tax program so that each person pays according to their need...like a civilized society. Cuz I mean, when I make $300 a week and you are taxing me $100, that really hurts me financially. There is a big difference between having $200 to buy food, and pay rent, pay for transportation and other expenses, and having an additional $100 to help cover the basic costs of living. It makes a much bigger difference than if I made $3000 dollars a week and you took $1000. Yes, you are taking a lot more money, but I also HAVE a lot more money to spend. Do you see what I'm saying? A dude with two grand in his pocket isn't in any danger of starving, he isn't buying himself an island either, but who the fuck deserves to OWN an island? Except for Johnny Depp...he's awesome and needs some privacy. What kind of wonked out, ego driven, acquisition based consumer culture are we propagating here anyways? I'd rather just have what I need to get by and learn something new everyday...if you want to go to an island, get a job on a boat, man. Anyways, quit dicking me over...I'm asking you nicely.

Thanks in advance
your pal,
Jack